JANUARY 2014

"A child born today will grow up with no conception of privacy. They’ll never know what it means to have a private moment to themselves, an unrecorded, unanalyzed thought."

Edward Snowden

DC Metrobus (Reuters/Gary Cameron 12/20/13)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The New Anti-Social Media

If I see another photo of someone’s pet or wedding or even just a fun time on Facebook I think I will commit hara-kiri (literally translated as “belly cutting” and defined as “a ritual disembowelment with a sword!”) I can no longer stomach any cute 140-character comments on twitter or blogs about children on tumblr. The current social media has no edge, no shock or awe! So I decided to create an anti-social media called “Bitter.” Everyday I see nasty comments on Yahoo and all the other news websites clearly made by very bitter people so I knew I had a set audience for Bitter. Each member may use 40 characters in a phrase which is call a Beatup. When you create a Beatup, at least one word must be a four-letter word. Each day there will be a “profanity of the day.” If you use that word in any Beatup you will get to use an additional 40 characters. When you post a phrase, you “beat a beatup.” Each Beatup must be sarcastic, cynical, nasty, insulting or just plain mean. There are two premium upgrades: Bitterer which allows for 60 characters; and Bitterest with phrases containing 80.

Your personal page is called a “Bitchfest.” Bitchfests will include text, photos, videos and a “Prank” function for the comically bitter. Instead of Friends you will choose Enemies. These can be short-term or long-term enemies including family, friends and people you just don’t like. There will also be a kids’ page as we all know how mean and bullying kids can be. Photos and videos must pertain to divorces, nasty break-ups, family squabbles, crimes or any other anti-social behavior. Cute, pretty or sweet photos will automatically crash your page.

There will be no “Like” option, only an “Unlike” option. Whoever gets the most “unlikes” in any given hour will also receive an additional 40 characters for the next Beatup. Advertisements on the site will only be accepted from cigarette companies, oil and gas companies, manufacturers of guns and weapons of mass destruction, funeral homes, lawyers and realtors.

I want to satisfy the need for realism, nastiness, sarcasm and just good old-fashioned meanness. I know that a large section of the public has been anxiously waiting for such an opportunity. It’s time to get them off the Yahoo comments and onto nasty, possibly hateful, sites of their own. So don’t just feel Bitter, join Bitter and be your Bitterest!

Due to the overwhelming interest in Bitter, or perhaps just the overwherlming bitterness in general, the Anti-Social Media, the website has been established at www.bittersite.com. Please visit the site and let go of your daily bitterness. DON'T JUST FEEL BITTER, BE BITTER AND FEEL BETTER!!!

By Any Other Name

(The Hacker News^TM, 10/5/2013)

The National Security Agency (NSA) has been having a horrible public relations nightmare. Secrets have been leaked, surveillance programs have been uncovered, Verizon’s stock is threatened, and the American citizenry is disgusted with the constant invasions of privacy. In an attempt to resolve the current situation, the NSA has turned to an old friend, former club member and architect of Richard Nixon’s rise and fall – the still-living Henry Kissinger. Nixon’s National Security Advisor and Secretary of State recommended two major changes in the organization: 1) a name change, and 2) a change in the mission statement.

The NSA directors were quick to take Kissinger’s advice. After a brief meeting of the Directors, a kindler, gentler name was chosen. The organization will now be known as the Agency for Safety, Security and Office of Legal Ethics (ASSOLE). The new name re-establishes the agency’s major concern -- the welfare of the American people. In a subsequent government poll, 68% of Americans did not know what the initials NSA stood for but were in favor of the new name, 17% were opposed, 11% did not know what the question meant, and 13% were in favor of legalizing marijuana.

The mission statement of the NSA (or the newly named ASSOLE) was changed from:

The National Security Agency/Central Security Service (NSA/CSS) leads the U.S. Government in cryptology that encompasses both Signals Intelligence (SIGINT) and Information Assurance (IA) products and services, and enables Computer Network Operations (CNO) in order to gain a decision advantage for the Nation and our allies under all circumstances.

To the simpler: The ASSOLE is here for you, your safety, your security and your privacy.

In the latest government poll 63% did not know what a mission statement was, 22% thought the new statement was much easier to understand, 11% did not understand the question, and 13% were in favor of legalizing marijuana.

So, in a very short period of time, the NSA went from a trouble-plagued operation to one of the most considerate and caring government agencies. The public is delighted with the ASSOLE. A rose is a rose is a rose only until it is a lily or a chrysanthemum or a daisy. And that is what makes this country great!

Tonight I attended my first Open Mic in DC at the Politics and Prose bookstore cafe. It is a regular Friday night event with what seems to be a regular group of performers. Most of the performers are musicians, musicians who sing, or song writers singing their new pieces with accompanyment. However, any type of performance is welcome and there were some poems and stand-up comedy interspersed among the musical numbers. We were only able to perform one piece so I read a new combined version of two poems I had previously written which is posted below. The next time I go to this open mic, I intend to sing. I don't have the best voice but I can carry a tune and I choose songs that complement my voice. (My idol is Rex Harrison.) Fortunately, the singing was of a low enough quality that I think I could become one of the top singers in this venue. I will keep you posted.

For Nick Hughes, Victim of Poetry

You can't be someone else's dream

It'll fuck you over and kill your soul

If such a thing existed

Don't think you did what you did for anyone else

We are all far too narcissistic

You did what you did out of fear to do

What you wanted to do

It's easier to blame the other than to take

Responsibility for inaction

To hide rather than show up

You might very well be dead tomorrow

O young Brit, half-bred Yank

Born into sadness, alone in youth

Mother, dead

Father, stranger

With the same wet jewels

Of purist pain

Poetry becomes anguish

The only sanctuary is a sea

Of salmon and trout

From the cold northwest

Where the comfort of ice takes it's toll on

The unprepared heart with

Frost-bitten cracks

You left on a rope

Like your mother who flew

Away on the fumes

There is no peace

There is no rest

Only absence of pain.

Saturday night in the nation's capital under a full moon.

Sabbath Sermonette

"I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark...it is my view that the simplest explanation is there is no God. No one created the universe and no one directs our fate...We have this one life to appreciate the grand design of the universe."

Stephen Hawking

GLOBAL SHAME

Following is a condensed version of a story by Adam Taylor in Business Insider about global responses to the question "Should homosexuality be accepted?" Of course this question is just as offensive as one such as "Should breeding heterosexuals be sterilized due to the damage their progeny has done to the world since the beginning of time?" Homosexuality is not something that needs to be accepted or tolerated -- it is just a common aspect of nature. For the most part, the countries that are most discriminatory toward LGBT people are the poorest, least educated and most religious (read: most ignorant) countries who rely on western financial aid to survive because they are incapable of taking care of their own people. There has always been a direct correlation between religious beliefs and discriminatory practices. The survey specifics from PewResearch can be found at

https://www.pewglobal.org/2013/06/04/the-global-divide-on-homosexuality/

Excerpted from 'This Map Shows the Global Divide on Homosexuality' by Adam Taylor, Business Insider, January 26, 2013

With the impending Sochi Olympics in Russia taking place in a tense atmosphere following anti-gay measures passed by Moscow in 2013, India's re-criminalization of homosexuality, and the announcement of a ban on gay marriage in Nigeria, the global role of LGBT rights looks set to be a big issue in 2014 and beyond ...[T]he success of the LGBT movement in the West and the angry criticisms of anti-gay laws by American and European observers have led some countries to double down in their actions: Russia recently accused Europe of "aggressive propaganda of homosexual love," and Ugandan anti-gay activists have accused Western gays of "recruiting" impoverished Ugandan children.

In the map below, you can see the percentage of the countries who say society should accept homosexuality versus those who don't -- the darker red a country is, the higher the percentage of people who believe homosexuality should not be accepted — the greener, the lower the percentage. In total, Pew had 37,653 respondents from 39 countries answer the question between March 2 to May 1, 2013. Richer, less religious countries tend to accept homosexuality, while the poorer, more religious countries tend to reject it. For example, in Russia, 74% of respondents said homosexuality should not be accepted by society. In Nigeria it's a whopping 98%. Meanwhile, in Canada, 80% of those polled said society should accept homosexuality, and 88% of the Spanish felt the same.

India is not included. (Pew notes this was due to concerns over the survey’s administration in the field.) A similar poll found that India's acceptance of homosexuality was low, but the highest of any country that criminalized homosexuality. A large number of other African countries do not feature in the map either, nor does much of Southeast Asia. There are likely to be more details than a simple map can provide, too. For example, it's probably tempting to look at the African numbers and crudely assume they're a result of "anti-Western" attitudes. However, as Haley McEwen writes at the South African newspaper the Daily Maverick, many of these countries have actually been influenced by the American religious right. It's also worth noting that the U.S. has 60% support for acceptance of homosexuality, making it one of the least tolerant western countries polled.

Pew Research / Adam Taylor / Business Insider

Pete Seeger (Credit: AP)

Pete Seeger, 1919 - 2014

A Time to Die, a Time to Mourn

(Abridged version of Turn, Turn, Turn)

To Everything, There is a season

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven.

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep.

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late.

Multitasking or The Pilgrim’s Progress

According to a new study by Fox News, Americans are not producing enough during the eight-hour workday. The results indicate that the workday is too short, the work product is too low, the wages are too high and unions are destroying the American Dream. The solution: Americans must learn to multitask during a real workweek and not the pansy forty hours created by FDR and other liberals. Many Americans think that multitasking is talking on the telephone while on Facebook or twitter. Once again, the American public is wrong. Multitasking is now defined as one person doing the work of two people to achieve the workplace ideals of efficiency and profitability in this, our one nation under God.

Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin, a true American, in collaboration with Wisconsin patriots, Rep. Paul Ryan and Sen. Ron Johnson, has proposed a nine-point plan, a.k.a. the Nine Commandments (ten would be blasphemous), to return America to the God-fearing Puritan work ethic upon which this nation was founded. The Nine Commandments are as follows.

1. Thy workday shall consist of 10.5 hours beginning with an unpaid fifteen-minute prayer session and including an unpaid fifteen-minute lunch period. If thou hath thirteen years of age or more, thou shalt work a six-day week with the Sabbath off for Christians; non-Christians and atheists must work on the Day of Rest.

2. Thou shalt not be paid more than the life-sustaining minimum wage. Thine executives may not earn more than fifty times the life-sustaining minimum wage per hour and applicable yearly bonuses. All workers are equal, but executives are more equal than others.

3. Thy bullying, anti-profit and anti-American labor unions shalt be banned. Thou shalt beget monthly dues to the NRA to support the fight against terrorism and ensure the security of America.

4. All thee workers must sign a release allowing the national intelligence agencies to monitor thy personal communications, in the name of all that is holy, including but not limited to telephone, internet and social media.

5. Thy benefits of medical, dental, and life insurances, pensions, 401K plans, vacations, sick and personal days hath all been eliminated in accordance with the gospel of prosperity. Thine 11 federal holidays shall be considered thine two weeks vacation.

6. Thou shalt bring thy lunch to work to be eaten at thy workstation during the fifteen-minute lunch break. Thy restroom breaks hath be taken within the allotted fifteen-minute lunch break upon threat of wrath and/or smite.

7. Thy fellow workers wilt be reduced by fifty percent while each remaining worker wilt absorb the duties of two jobs in order to avoid God's wrath for unprofitability.

8. Thou may be fired with or without cause as determined by executive wrath. Unemployed workers shall be re-assigned to highway cleanup details, garbage collection, sewer maintenance or industrial sweatshops.

9. Thou shalt not retire before thou reachest the age of 80 barring thy death before that age. If thou hath no savings, thou may have access to cyanide capsules to meet the Lord upon retirement because in thy God we trust.

The Nine Commandments guarantee full employment, life-affirming wages, a 50% increase in corporate profits and the pride that comes with hard work. The Wisconsin legislature held a special midnight session to enact the proposal and Gov. Walker has signed it into law. Rep. Ryan and Sen. Johnson introduced similar bills in their respective chambers and the President has vowed to sign it as soon as it is passed in a new spirit of bipartisanship. The most recent poll by the Wisconsin state government poll shows 98% of Wisconsin citizens are in favor of the restoration of the Protestant work ethic and the end of welfare leeches, queens and deadbeats. As Ronald Reagan once said: It is morning in America and there are no coffee breaks but plenty of cheese.

Defamed Anyone Lately?

Have you written any defamatory fiction lately? Have you created an unsympathetic character to avenge a real-life person who royally pissed you off? Is he threatening legal action for libel? Not to worry. The following legal defense will guarantee your innocence and protect against future litigation. (You just can't make this stuff up!!!)

Small Penis Rule

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The "small penis rule" is an informal strategy used by authors to evade libel lawsuits. It was described in a New York Times article in 1998:

"...For a fictional portrait to be actionable, it must be so accurate that a reader of the book would have no problem linking the two," said Mr. Friedman. Thus, he continued, libel lawyers have what is known as 'the small penis rule.' One way authors can protect themselves from libel suits is to say that a character has a small penis, Mr. Friedman said. "Now no male is going to come forward and say, 'That character with a very small penis, that's me!' "

The small penis rule was referenced in a 2006 dispute between Michael Crowley and Michael Crichton. Crowley alleged that after he wrote an unflattering review of Crichton's novel State of Fear, Crichton libeled him by including a character named "Mick Crowley" in the novel Next. In the novel, Mick Crowley is a child rapist, described as being a Washington-based journalist and Yale graduate with a small penis.

JANUARY 2014

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