MAY 2014

28

With all the brouhaha between the creationists and the evolutionists, I thought it was time to present the true story of creation -- directly from the source Himself.  I have very little time to share this as memory fades quickly so pretend it's all a dream and remember none of it...

Creation: A Movie Made in Heaven

It turns out that the creationists have been right all along.  God spoke to me in a dream last night and explained the big mystery.  He planned the whole thing in six days, as told in Genesis, because heaven was so boring that He needed a good laugh.  Apparently, Adam and Eve actually were the first two humans on earth.  God said that it would be far easier to have all humans born from incestuous relationships because He already knew how bizarre humans would act and at least they could blame genetic anomalies.

God explained that for Him, human life was like an interactive Netflix (or for a slightly older crowd, like interactive board games of Risk, Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit and Chutes & Ladders) — all for His entertainment.  Human history was nothing more than a movie which He could fast forward, reverse or edit, depending on His mood, since there is really no such thing as time.  God always got a big laugh by fiddling with one or more individuals.

During this incredible spiritual experience, I was permitted to ask God three questions.  After a few moments of contemplation, I came up with three questions that I felt would answer some of the great mysteries of the universe.  

1.  Who are Your favorite humans?

I would have to say politicians because they are able to manipulate others, almost as well as I, using the whole gamut of emotions to persuade large numbers of people that they actually care about them.  When I say politicians, I am also including all  the religious leaders as they are often able to stay one step ahead of the politicians in the accumulation of power, wealth and control.  I am in absolute hysterics when I watch the meanderings of these master criminals.  I am also in awe of Myself for having created such self-centered and devious control freaks.

I think I would say that My current favorites are Mother Theresa and that good ol’ boy, Jesus.  They were able to maintain powers of exploitation, thought control, and hypocrisy that they even surprised Me.  Yet Mother Theresa and Jesus were just cunning and conniving enough to come out on top as holy, saintly and revered..  And by the way, Jesus was not My son.  What kind of father would I be to kill my own son?  Joseph was the one who knocked up Mary and was forced into a stone-throwing (no shotguns yet) wedding by her father.  Give me question number two.

2.  Is the Bible actually the Word of You?

This is a great story.  About 4000 years ago, some of the younger Jews were asking the elder Jews to explain the meaning of life.  Since many of the ancients had treated them shabbily, the elders decided to go with a one-god storyline rather than the more common and beloved multiple gods scheme.  Now the elders had no idea what to say so they just made up stories to placate the young people.  I mean, toilets, electricity and television had yet to be invented.  Around the world people were defecating in their backyards and thinking the world might end when night came.  Because they knew nothing about the workings of the “universe,” I would provide them with opiates, marijuana and sometimes crack, and then whisper in their ears the most outrageous lies I could come up with and yet still tell them without bursting with laughter.  Since no one could read or write, these stories evolved orally — similar to the children’s game of Telephone — with complex and contradictory characters and events until I thought that it should all be written down knowing full well that the Catholic monks and priests would edit it later.

Some of the stories are true but most have been fabricated out of the seeds of mendacity that I had originally planted.  For example, Abraham and Moses were like great special effects guys.  Can you imagine that I would tell Abraham to kill his own son or knock up an old lady or cut off the foreskin of all the males?  For Christ’s sake, I specifically made the foreskin to enhance the respite of pleasure that I thought sex would provide —  a little break from evildoing.

Moses was one of my great actors.  Do you think that I would actually talk through a burning bush?  That would be a job for a total amateur.  And he created the ten commandments to stop the wandering Israelites from committing those exact crimes.  They were lost, bored, delirious from the heat and driving each other crazy so they got a little rambunctious.  And I didn’t stop him from reaching their promised land.  He was an old man, completely exhausted and he just died.  I might have played that better but I was watching the Egyptians build more pyramids and I lost track of some footage.

The whole Jesus story would take too much time but I wish I had already thought of the academy awards for he would have won best actor hands down.  Now, Mohammed gave Me a lot of laughs.  He wasn’t a very bright guy but with a few carefully chosen hallucinogens, I had him seeing golden plates and crazy visions — a trick I later used with Joseph Smith.  He went out conquering anybody and everybody around while amassing a slew of wives and convincing tribe after tribe that he was My final and greatest prophet.  Like many actors today, he wasn’t an intellectual but he could put on a fabulous show.  I think you get the drift, so on to the last question.

3.  Why do You allow wars, famine, disease, and all the other miseries of life?

The answer to that is a bit more complicated, kinda like a mystery/thriller novel.  As you might suspect, I made good and evil two sides of the same coin.  I needed to spice things up.  Genocide, wars, famines, droughts, life-threatening diseases and disastrous weather created intriguing shows of hypocrisy and pretension that I never expected.  I thought that some people would actually try to solve or prevent these natural calamities but I was wrong.  Just look at the right-wing Christians.  They are far more interested and fascinated by gay sex rather than feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, or abolishing poverty in general.  For Me, it was like those documentaries that reveal the corruption of governments, banks and big business while convincing the masses that they did it all for their benefit.  I definitely deserve an oscar for best movie of all time.  Plus, if everything was nice and rosy all the time I would be just as bored as I am with those choirs of angels singing all time — and often out of key!  

Well, I feel much better having confessed so many of My secrets to you.  But like any dream, you will forget all of this within a couple of days.  I’m going on vacation to hell next week - it's my version of Las Vegas - and it’s a long flight so I need some funny DVDs and I can’t take the chance that you’ll rat on Me and possibly destroy My game.  And FYI, no confessionals are sacred.  None of you can keep a secret for very long.  Besides, they would institutionalize you for coming up with such a crazy story.  Have a nice life!  As you have probably have heard, it’ll be over in the blink of eye — that’s My eye.  Bwa, ha, ha, ha.

Despite my inability to remember or share the story of creation for very long, I did get the last laugh.  I sold my soul to Lucifer in exchange for the destruction of God’s DVD player.  It'll be a long flight to hell for Him!